It’s a Betty Boop dating sim. Even worse, it’s a Betty Boop dating sim where ‘you’ are the main character. It starts with a prompt to enter your name and a multiple choice question to determine your creepy anthropomorphized goblin’s personality and backstory.
I named myself "Wun Weg Wun Dar Wun" and chose "I don’t care" on my personality test. This leads to:
There’s a short introductory scene with your little sister explaining your family situation. Dad died and to try and cheer up a little, ‘you’ go to the theater in hope of running into Betty Boop, the girl of your dreams.
Of course you run into Betty Boop. She not only gives you an autograph, but also tells you her schedule for the next couple of days. She’s going to do charity work at the church, a nice opportunity for the good little stalker we are. Betty’s reasons for volunteering at the church seem less than noble however:
Our next occasion to meet Betty is at a private party. There’s a minor interruption when Bimbo, Betty’s ex, shows up and punches a random woman for no reason. Acting like a true gentleman, he then threatens to slit her throat. Assault and battery gets him thrown out of the party. He wasn’t even invited in the first place.
The rest of the story consists of three ‘date’ events, selecting a character from a list each time. Getting a good ending relies on the amount of points you have for the girl of the last date. Funny thing is, only about one in four choices actually matters. Since most choices are agree/insult, you get to insult the girl to her face constantly and still get a good end. On the other hand, missing one or two can have the last date end in a confession of love… and then a bad ending anyway.
As if the character designs weren’t creepy enough, the endings make you have children with the beasts. What are you doing man, don’t let it breed! The Ming Li (stage name, Pandora Lemon) route is special. Suddenly a fight breaks out between her and a soul-devouring interdimensional wizard.
A poorly implemented RPG battle starts. Winning it leads to the standard breeding with the abomination ending — this time, twins.
A curious feature is an extra choice during the ending. You’re asked if you want to take the child(ren) out. Refusing leads to a drunken afternoon in a bar and your family leaving you…
The characters on the title screen are falling over like bowling pins. Also note how the title and buttons are all shoved into the top-left corner.
I think I may have prematurely used my "crying tears of blood" image for the DTIPB review. These character designs are truly horrifying. Put a plastic shield over your keyboard, vomit is hard to get out of the space between the keys. System requirements: puke bucket, eye bleach.
The Romance of Miss Boop uses a bizarre resolution — 1366×1066. Many of the backgrounds are blurry, upscaled from 800×600. Seeing these characters overlaid on top of real-world photographs is the stuff of nightmares.
It has voice acting. No, seriously. A single sound clip is used for 2-3 pages of text at a time. It also has problems with inconsistent volume, one character is barely audible (sounds like someone whispering in another room) while another tries to blow your eardrums out. Betty Boop sounds like an old crone with a scratchy voice, other characters are outdated stereotypes.
Why does this exist? What madness would lead someone to create a Betty Boop dating sim?! Time to do some heavy drinking.